ANNONYMOUS LETTER TO A FICTITIOUS COUSIN
If you thought
coming to Nairobi
for a holiday is fun, then think again. I know you grew up being told that Nairobi is the capital city of Kenya but you are wrong. Let me
imagine how you will be preparing yourself for the so called ‘vacation’.
Back in the
village some days before you head for the city, you will boast and tease your
fellows who will naturally envy your twist of events. And so they will think
that you are going to meet with the most popular of Kenyans whom they only
manage to hear on radio about. But unfortunately that’s far from the truth.
When you come expect to be warmly welcomed by a chain of rude shocks. Maybe I
should give you an idea about what you should expect:
1) Roads
and Highways.
Before
entering the town you will be greeted by traffic jam some few kilometers from
the city. Keep in mind that there are a lot of cars here and if you think a lot
of cars equals ten, you are misinformed. Don’t even think of comparing the
village roads to these ones here. There the only vehicles seen are two which
bear number plates related to something like KLQ and KVM and were used by our
forefathers and now us. And of course they never see the doors of a garage. If
you think KAN
is modern, let me expand your brain a bit and make you expect a KBR. Otherwise
you will need some two weeks to count KBR number plates. Two weeks mind you to
eradicate the ‘ushamba’ in you.
The only
vehicles I saw resembling those upcountry are breakdown land rovers parked by
the roadside as the owners persistently pray internally for an accident to
occur. Some try to market themselves by writing funny things on the vehicle.
For instance one driver writes; “Drink and drive. We need the Business”. You
may think that is unholy but that is how Nairobians get their ugali. If you
think these are my crazy ideas, then you have not heard of the city technology.
2) Technology.
Let me not
shock you too much I will tell you about something you expect. Airplanes.
During our
primary school days, in case a military helicopter or any other jet that
produces a roaring sound passes
somewhere in the horizon, everybody in the school ran mad and did anything at his disposal to
see the rare flying machine. Even if exams were in progress, immediately the
sound hit the hears of a confused candidate, everybody popped out of the room
propelling through any opening that could reach them outside. Even teachers maneuvered
those sharp corners like nursery school kids as some female teachers screamed
like overloaded donkeys especially when they failed to see the jet! That was
shameful as I can remember the jets were normally flying about ten kilometers
away from the compound and some hundreds of feet above the ground!
Now this is Nairobi . A plane mind you…point
of correction. A Boeing 737 Cargo carrying hundreds of people flying at speed
of light and it is some 30 meters above your head and nobody (including
children) around even raises his/her head let alone raise a foot aimed at
running around to see! Don’t get shocked because most visitors only faint but
not for long. Luckily they don’t die because I am a one of the victims of that.
I am just trying to instill some facts into your head for preparatory purposes.
3) Do
it Publicly?
Imagine you sending your dear and lovely
wife to the streets to market some…Oh! God knows what. Try that in the village,
let it be known and be sure to be summoned by the village elders that very
Sunday to appear before them.
Of course the public will be invited to
attend to your ‘disciplining’ time to learn from your ordeal. Then the stone
faced village headman will look you direct in the eyes and ask you two
questions only;
i.
“Did you do it?” and
ii.
“Why did you do it?”
If you are wise enough answer the first
question “Yes” and then proceed to defend yourself boldly in the second
question. Otherwise if you do the opposite, the energetic men ever present
during these times will be ordered to do their onus of stripping you in front
of the crowd and doing what is expected. All of your body will be rained on by
showers of the whip. You will be whipped senselessly till you agree to talk or
else you will crawl out of there to the hospital where it will be a miracle if
the doctor doesn’t refer ‘you’ to the morgue for ‘further assistance’.
But it’s the opposite in this place yearn
to come to. People do that publicly everyday. I am a witness of one man who
waited patiently outside as the wife was being Aaaaaahed by another young man.
The lady came out and handed the husband a Shs. 200 note she had ‘earned’ from
the young man. The husband went home as the wife waited for her next ‘employer’.
Hope you now see the contrast and that I am not finishing you.
If you still want to come to Nairobi with your
beautiful, naïve wife then that’s your wish but think again. But if you really
want to come to this urban town, reduce your drinking man or you will be swept
away by the sweet beers over-flooding Nairobi River
4) My
Favorite Beer.
...(To be continued in part two of Nairobi Life)
Comments